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Haven't been on here forever. I don't miss it much, to be honest, but I do have to get a million things off my chest that I could never make myself say out loud. And there's no one on the internet anymore. I used to talk to Ash and 'Drea about everything, but neither of them are online much... neither am I come to think of it, but that's mostly because they aren't. 


I suck. Basically. I fucking suck at college. I'm terrible in my classes. I never get anything done, and my GPA is a measly 2.73 (how the fuck am I supposed to get into med school with that!?) If I do manage to get everything done, it's at the cost of about five panic attacks. If I don't manage to get anything done, I get about three panic attacks that day anyway because I'm thinking about what a worthless piece of shit I am. I'm such a worthless piece of crap that this entire thing is attention-seeking hyperbole. The most panic attacks I get a day is one no matter what, but to be fair, these new ones, ever since I went on and then off of Zoloft are hours long. An hour build up. An hour attack. An hour slow down. And then still feeling like shit for a few more hours, plus any little thing can tip me over even after that. 

I hate my brain.

But I don't want those pills again. They stopped working anyway. They didn't make it go away, they just made it just below reach. It felt like an itch underneath my skin. It felt like a constant, oncoming attack that would never just come already. Besides, looking back at all the things I didn't mind last year that I really don't like this year, I have to wonder what's worse: being unhappy with something (a lot of things, really) or waking up later from some overly-contented drug-induced numbness to my own likes and dislikes to find myself surrounded by mediocre things that I just settled for? Because that's what happened when the meds stopped working. I looked around and realized that I had settled for shit that I only half wanted. Not only settled for, but worked my damn ass off for shit that I only half-wanted. I got myself completely trapped into something that wasn't worth it.

Hopefully, I'll be able to get into UArts or the vocal program in Rutgers. I can still do premed so that I can settle down later after all of my dreams are destroyed, but at least I'll have tried before then. Of course, since I'm terrible at getting shit done, I only just started working on my audition pieces, looked like a complete ass tonight in front of the music teacher being kind enough to help me, and the audition is in less than three weeks. 

There should be a medicine specifically for motivation. Was I more productive with Zoloft? I can't really remember. I guess we'll see when my GPA comes out again, taking this semester into account. 

I want to go home the way home was before senior year. I want to be in eighth grade again. Kind of pathetic that eighth grade has still been the best year of my life so far. Really pathetic. 

The good thing is, I'm doing NaNoWriMo. Maybe I'll post an excerpt here and then, whoever still exists and watches me and wants to read the whole thing can have a go at beta-reading it when it's done. 

That was a nice, long babble. I think I'm done now.